It's love and hate back and forth it's a mind game, trusting the unknown. It's exciting not knowing what is to come and terrifying because it is so unsure. It's unplanned and spontaneous, will it work out, or won't it? Will I cave under the pressure or will I come out stronger? This waiting in the gray darkness is killing me and revitalizing me all at the same time.
I have been vacant this summer, and yet intensely present with my thoughts. I was lost, I lost myself, I don't know if it was the move so many changes or if I was never truly rounded in myself? It's a means to an end they told me. To what end? There is no end, life is eternal it is not meant to be lived lifelessly and just getting to the end. It is to love and be loved. Life is to be lived fully it is not just going through the motions to get to the end. I am a dreamer and I hold on to those dreams too tightly and I don't let life into them. I don't know how to let love in. I buried myself in who I am not because I was afraid no one would like me for me. I am not perfect, perfect is what I was taught is good, that is not me. I am not what I have accomplished, I am me. I am creative and energetic, I don't rush through life, I savor it, I want to soak it up and feel it FOR REAL. I want it to be genuinely me, not forced, a calm peaceful me. At peace with my life for once, at peace with being alone with myself because I am me not someone else. I want to be grounded in myself.
I want to feel life.
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